I believe the fear and anxiety was related to making the commitment. I know when I set my mind to something it is as good as done. While I have been really drawn to the idea of adopting my daughter from Africa when it comes right down to it, I realize it is a huge commitment. I am not only speaking about the financial commitment I am also referring to the time, energy, dedication, paperwork, etc etc. There is so much to consider especially with international adoption. I am being realistic and open to this new adventure. I am not sure where this road will lead but I am excited about taking the first step.
Since our appointment we have more questions and hope to speak to other families who have successfully adopted a child from Africa so we can prepare ourselves the best we can. Of course there is no way to prepare for everything that will land on our path, at least we can gather as much information as possible so we will have more tools along the way.
After our appointment I was really excited then gradually throughout the day the reality of our financial picture kicked in and my stress level went through the roof. I felt pressure to change it immediately. I wanted it all to go away so it didn't feel like an obstacle anymore. My stomach and intestines were churning. My upper limit kicked in with "worry" (see previous blog post Have You Mastered the Art of Self Sabotage?) Luckily I had an acupuncture appointment that afternoon so that helped but it wasn't until I spoke to my husband that I felt relieved of the discomfort completely. I realized I tend to put so much pressure on myself to be able to make it happen. I suddenly took it all on that I had to make it happen. I forgot that my husband would be able to help. As we were speaking I was in Child's Pose to help ease my stomach. I suddenly realized that I don't have to do this all alone. In fact, my husband is interested in doing this with me. It was comforting and the thought of doing this together immediately eased my anxiety and my symptoms disappeared.
I realized how often I isolate myself from him. Throughout our fertility journey I forgot that he was having his experience as well. I am not alone and I have never been alone! He is always there for me no matter what. Even when he doesn't understand, he is always there to comfort me, to listen, to hold me and to love me with his whole heart. It is me who withdraws or closes myself to his love. It is a process of awareness and letting go of my old patterns and this was just another opportunity to heal and let go.
I am excited about our path to explore adoption because I really feel he can be a more active participant. Not that he wasn't before but for the most part it was my body and my health that I was focusing on. Now it feels like I can take the pressure off me and focus my energy on being the healthiest I can be without the pressure of having to get my body to a point where it can support a pregnancy. I am not sure if my body can handle a pregnancy and perhaps it never will be able to. I am ok with that. I have found peace with the idea that my daughter will come to me through another path.
As I listen to that soft loving voice saying "come this way" it is leading me toward adoption. My husband asked me why I was so interested in Africa instead of local adoption or another country. I cannot explain it in words. It is a feeling I have deep in my heart. A voice that whispers to me guiding me toward my daughter. I am not attached to the path I take. I am being guided and I am willing to let my path reveal itself. At this time it is clear my path is leading me to Africa.
In the last few days I have asked the universe for someone to help guide me, mentor me and inspire me the way I inspire my clients. I am deeply grateful to have found an incredible mentor that will support me through the next year. I will keep you posted. For now I will share that I see my life transforming. I will go from climbing a mountain to moving mountains. I am honored to be mentored by this incredible team of individuals that I know will help me reach beyond anything I could ever possibly dream of.
I only have the privilege of seeing a glimpse of what is ahead of me and I am so excited! I am stepping onto an exciting new path that I know will change my life forever and at the same time inspire all those around me who bear witness. Doors are opening in directions I didn't expect and I am so deeply grateful! My heart is full of love and gratitude as I write these words. I look forward to continuing to share my journey with you.
Namaste
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment