Is your heart wide open?

In the last few weeks my heart has opened wider than ever. Comments from friends, colleagues and even people I have never met before have be pouring in surrounding me with encouragement and love as I take this next path on my fertility journey. Some days were so overwhelming that I had to really focus on breathing and receiving. My heart was so full of joy that I thought it would burst. It was in that experience of pure joy and love and it warmed me from the inside. I felt like I was glowing and tears of joy would pour down my cheeks as I read each comment and email.

On my way home on those particular days where I felt so full and I was excited to share it with my husband. Shortly after I would walk through the door I would feel my heart close a bit and some days shut down. I have seen myself do this before so I was curious at first. What I realized was that it felt unsafe to have my heart open that wide while in the presence of someone I loved so deeply. I started to reflect on repetitive patterns when I would open my heart and when I would shut down.

I recognized that every time I travel away from my husband and family I would open my heart and send emails full of loving messages. I would feel a deeper connection when I was away from those I love and I couldn't wait to see them again. Yet once I arrived home in the presence of their love I would shut down my heart again. It hit me after the Team Northrup Retreat where I was surrounded by joy, love and beauty all weekend and my heart was open wide in the presence of my tribe. I noticed the contrast shortly after I arrived home. I was curious why I could open my heart with my Team Northrup tribe but not in my own home.

After speaking to a few friends about it I discovered that I am not the only one that shuts down their heart in the presence of those they love and care about. I began to notice people in social media that I know well and I would see their hearts open fully in their writing, blogging, facebook comments or tweets. Yet I know in their life they have trouble opening their heart fully. Was it the distance or computer that created a perception of safety? Why can someone feel safe enough to open their heart fully while online through social media and then shut down when in the presence of another?

I have been curiously exploring that behaviour for me in the last couple of weeks and this is what I discovered. My heart is fully open with my clients at the studio, through social media, by email and sometimes by phone especially if someone is not in the same city as me. My heart shuts down with my Mother (who is staying with me), my husband and other family members and close friends. Why do I feel "unsafe" to open my heart fully in those circumstances? I discovered a deep seeded fear of being "hurt" by someone who I love. This reaction feels like it is coming from so deep within me and it feels more like survival instincts. It is not only unsafe it is life threatening.

While I have developed the ability to feel safe in my writing, through my articles, blogs, newsletters and even in my Fertility Support Group and at the studio with clients. I open my heart and share my story, my feelings and my life so openly so that I can heal while I inspire others to heal as well. I discovered that the safest place for me to do that is through social media. I have surrounded myself with like-minded individuals who inspire and empower me to open my heart fully to receive and to give all that I am capable of. I use the safety of my studio and social media to express myself and share the deepest part of me. I am grateful for this media because it has allowed me to open my heart wider than ever. At least now I know what it feels like to experience full joy and pure love. It is in the contrast when I arrive home that I came to realize this pattern. I realize now that it is in my family that I am most vulnerable and afraid to open up fully.

 With all the tools I have in my tool box I am sure there is something in there that can help be breakthrough this self destructive behaviour. It is self destructive because not only and I denying my deep love for others I am denying myself the love they have for me. There is a part of me that feels undeserving but the real fear is of being hurt. I am committed to changing this behaviour in my life. It keeps me from experiencing pure joy in all areas of my life. It keeps me shut off from the full experience of love and in turn shuts me off from living fully. Earlier in my fertility journey my heart shut down completely and I realize many of you out there may be experiencing the isolation. I have come a long way on my fertility journey and I hope you will join me in breaking this cycle.

If you can relate to my words I would love to hear your comments. Together we can explore this deep seeded survival instinct and breakthrough the cycle that holds us imprisoned in a life without pure love and joy. You deserve it as much as I do. Let's do this together. Stay tuned in the next few weeks and together we will move through this. Perhaps that is why I am writing this blog. To recruit your love and support as I guide all of us safely through this process of letting go of past hurts and opening our hearts fully to the love we all deserve.

We can do it!

With much love and appreciation to each of you for being witness to my healing path. You give me strength and inspiration each and every day!

Namaste, Sue