Have you Mastered the Art of Self Sabotage?

I picked up the book The Big Leap again to read because I know that my inability to receive love fully is related to an upper limit problem. I read it in November and this book changed my life. Most of my life has been based on self sabotaging behaviors. It is a very familiar pattern and in fact, I believe I truly mastered the art of self sabotage.

In the book Gay Hendricks talks about how each of us have internal thermostats established early in our lives, many during childhood. You have an internal thermostat for everything such as love, happiness, abundance, joy, trust etc. My internal thermostat for joy and happiness is set very low. I was a very serious child with a lot of worries. I worried about my Mom having to take care of us 3 children, I worried about my brother and sister fighting and wished they would just be friends, I worried about money and decided I would get a job as soon as possible to help out. I worried about everything and I became more and more serious as I grew up.

When I live within the lower range of my internal thermostat for joy and happiness it is comfortable only because it is familiar. It is what I know well. As I reach beyond my upper limit and begin to feel more joy than I am used to feeling, I become afraid because it is unfamiliar and I feel unsafe. When I am above my upper limit for a period of time I will eventually subconsciously sabotage myself in order to bring myself back into my zone of comfort or familiarity.

What I noticed about receiving love fully especially from someone who I care deeply about, it was above exceeding my upper limit for love. Now don't get me wrong I was certainly loved as a child but as I grew up I started to believe that I didn't deserve love. I wasn't good enough to deserve the love of others so I would shut them out. Not always entirely but enough that I could remain within the lower range of my internal thermostat for love.

In the early years of my fertility journey I isolated myself even more from friends and family. I felt misunderstood. I was confused and shut my heart down. I became distant and my relationships were more on the surface which felt safe at that time. Since opening the studio I have been able to feel more love and express more love but there is part of me that is still afraid and feels unsafe when my heart is too wide open. Over the years I have been able to open it more and more and inch my way up, pushing my upper limit. When I exceed my upper limit I can only stay there for short periods of time before fear creeps in. When the fear shows up I will subconsciously self sabotage. I notice my self sabotaging behavior more and more since reading The Big Leap. My most common self sabotaging behaviors are "blame & criticism" and "worry".

I have written many times about the 3 A's and the process for change. The fist A is Awareness. Awareness is the first key to break this cycle so for the last couple of weeks I have been observing my patterns. In my last blog post I talked about allowing my emotions so I can move through them and not suppress them. I used a process called the emotional scale along with the second key to change which is Acceptance. Now it is time to take Action.

When I notice my heart is closed (awareness) I practice acceptance. I make peace with it so that there is no room for blame or criticism. Now I make a different choice. I consciously choose a different behavior. So in the next few days if my husband reaches out to hug me. I will stop what I am doing, no matter what, and receive his hug fully. I will imagine my heart open wide and allow his love to reach me. Although at first it may feel uncomfortable at times, I need to break through this upper limit. I told my husband that I am not willing to let past hurt come between us. My relationship means to much to me. It is time to break this cycle I have seen it play out over and over again in the last 9 years. I am ready to breakthrough this upper limit. I am ready to open my heart fully to give and receive love in all areas of my life including my family.

I encourage you to pick up the book The Big Leap and begin to create awareness about your upper limits and self sabotaging behaviors. If you have questions feel free to post it under comments. I am here to help you expand into your full potential. You are not alone! Let's do it together.