Sometimes I just don't understand

Here I am awake at 4am again. It has been a while but when it happens I know I have some creative juices flowing and need to channel them into my writing instead of lying in bed wondering why I can't sleep. Times where I feel frustrated, confused or anxious used to keep me stuck for a long time. I now have tools to help me process my negative emotions and move the energy associated with it. Yesterday morning I was feeling so frustrated and my irritation increased as I observed my reactions to everything that was happening around me. I felt a heavy and overwhelming sense of responsibility. It felt like I was holding the weight of the world on my shoulders. I had pain in my neck and upper back. I felt like I had so much to do and no time to do it. I knew deep down that I wasn't upset for the reason I thought, but I just couldn't shake it. My ego mind was loud and obnoxious. I couldn't hear the voice of my heart, my inner guidance. I called and spoke to Lisa and after sharing my frustration with her she told me to ask for guidance by repeating the words "I don't understand all of this, please help me see it differently". The words resonated deeply with me and it was true, I truly didn't understand and I was completely willing to see it differently. As I united my head with my heart I began to find clarity and peace again. I repeated the words and added "I am not at peace, please help me see this differently so I can be at peace". I suddenly felt a sense of calm blanket me. I remember a time where I needed to analyze and break down everything so I understood where it was coming from and why. I appreciate that I needed that process at that time, but today, I have such an easier more loving and gentle way of processing my emotions. I don't have to relive the pain and suffering, I can simply ask for healing and a new perspective. When my mind is united with my heart, it is simple and loving. Even when I don't understand I can use my thoughts to heal my mind and body and return to a sense of peace.

What are you holding on to?

Well it is my first morning back home and I am grateful to practice my morning yoga again in my own sacred space. Although I did spend time meditating and practicing yoga while I was in Toronto, the hotel room was small and my grandparents liked to watch the news a lot, so the energy was very different. My practice this morning was incredible. I went in to explore some tension that had been growing in intensity in the last 5 days. I was on my back in a gentle knees to side twist and discovered a triangle of tension in my body. The points of the triangle were from my right hip, to my liver and my uterus. I asked what thoughts were associated with the points of the triangle because they were the most intense areas of discomfort. In my liver I was holding shame, my uterus was fear and my right hip was "I am not safe". One by one I release those thoughts and asked for healing. A few memories can up so I was able to forgive another and myself. I felt complete on that side so I moved my knees to twist in the other direction. As I settled into the twist on this side I noticed another triangle of tension. This time it involved my stomach, pubic bone and liver. Again I asked what thoughts were associated with each point. In my stomach the thought was "I am not good enough". This is a old deep seeded belief I have that I have been releasing in layers so it was an easy one to give over for healing. In my liver the thought was "you can't see me". It is related to my fear of showing others who I really am. If they really knew me they wouldn't like me or would judge me. Again another layer of an old belief that was easy to release and heal. When I brought my awareness to my pubic bone and the shame I was holding there, I began to see images of memories. As I asked for healing I mentioned I was willing to release the shame on a deep cellular level. I could tell I was holding this negative energy around shame deep in my body. My legs began to shake as the energy moved out of my body. I allowed my body to shake in whatever way it needed to. It was a uncontrolled shaking similar to the shaking you would experience when you are really cold. It lasted at least 10 minutes and it gradually stopped. As I released the posture my entire pelvis and hips felt relaxed. Tension I had been holding in my hip melted away and I could feel the blood and energy flowing. My uterus was completely relaxed and I could feel this incredible "space" in my pelvic area.

I remember when I began to practice energetic healing in combination with yoga therapy with my clients, I knew there was something miraculous happening because clients would feel better and I could feel the blocked energy moving and shifting out of their bodies. For a time, I thought I had to rely on others to help me heal as well but I realized that we all have the ability to heal ourselves. We just need to have faith in ourselves to begin. I have complete faith in myself for the first time in my life and I feel empowered. Yes I still call on the help of others and appreciate their gifts and talents to help me heal my mind and body but I follow my intuition instead of desperately seeking help. Currently I am seeing a Naturopathic Physician and just finished a natural liver detox. It has made such a difference and I feel stronger and more balanced. For the past 3 years I would feel sluggish around my menstrual cycle and I actually have more energy than ever. Intuitively I felt I needed to do a liver detox for about 2 years now so I am glad to find someone who could help support me through more of a natural detox for my liver. As I follow my inner guidance healers/teachers show up in my life at just the right time.

You have the ability to heal yourself. If you are willing, be open to see the healers and teachers that are all around you. Perhaps you have been thinking of acupuncture, Naturopathic medicine, energetic healing touch or Yoga Therapy.

Follow your intuition and you will find a path to help you heal your mind, body and soul.

A gift from my Grandparents

I just came back from Toronto. My grandfather has been ill and went to Toronto for a procedure and I went to help my grandparents in the "big city". I stayed with them in a small hotel room for 5 days and it was wonderful. They were both very open to experience my hands on energy healing as I gave them both a session. Overall, I know they appreciated my support. At the same time, it was a very healing experience for me around my own relationship. I didn't realized the gifts I received growing up spending every summer with my grandparents. As I watched my grandparents who have been together for more than 60 years, I was touched and inspired by the love they continue to share for each other. They still hold hands, laugh and tickle each other, hug and snuggle, kiss and look into to each others eyes with affection. I am so blessed to see first hand what a healthy relationship looks like and how it can continue to thrive after 60 years.

As I fill my heart with gratitude and love, my heart opens even more.

To control or not control

I came across this in my writing and thought I would share it with you. I spent most of my life fighting to be in control because deep down I felt out of control. I recently discovered a few more limiting subconscious beliefs about motherhood. They were very easy to release and let go of because I am no longer attached to pain and suffering and I know I have a choice how I can process things. I can take a loving path or a path full of fear. I choose love.

I hope this inspires you:

When something happens in life that seems unfair or unjust we struggle to find a reason or make sense of it. It can be frustrating or invoke feelings of anger. You may feel sad or fearful. Most of us go through life trying to control everything and everyone around us. The more we try to control that which is uncontrollable the more out of control life becomes. Life outside you is not yours to control. It is yours to experience. It is yours to appreciate. It is yours to learn and grow from. The control is in your reaction to life outside yourself. The control is in knowing you can choose to react positively or negatively. Neither is right or wrong, but the power, is in knowing you have a choice.

My husband is so incredible!

On Sunday my husband came along as a participant in my Couples Fertility Mind Body program. I realized that most of my healing around my fertility has been without him so I asked if he would come to share some of his experience with the other couples as well as perhaps gain insight on our journey together. I was so grateful to have him take part of my work with couples but I also learned so much about him. Many couples assume that because you have been together for so long that you know everything about each other. Well that is not true. We grow and expand with every life experience and I know that our fertility journey in the last 7 years has definitely changed us both. I am excited to use the tools from the workshop within my relationship. I already feel closer to him and I am excited about looking at our journey together as a team. I know we have been brought together in this lifetime to learn from each other. I have much to learn from my husband and I am grateful for his willingness and openness to begin to share our experiences around our fertility together. There is no doubt in my mind, he is my lobster!

People assume adoption is an easy alternative

I just woke up from a dream where I had been raising my young adopted child for the last 2 years. We were singing and playing together and we seemed inseparable. As we were coming out of an elevator I saw his birth mother walking toward us. I felt sick to my stomach as I knew something was terribly wrong. She was here to take him back. In my dream I had no control or legal right to hold onto him and I was deeply devastated. As she took him from my arms I broke down crying. It took everything within me to get up and try and go on without him. I couldn't do it! I was too heartbroken. I went to the hotel room where they were staying and stole him back. I began to run and hide. I couldn't imagine my life without him so I took him and ran. That is when I woke up. The thoughts running through my mind and my body were a deep sense of fear and worry.

I had a client last year who adopted a new born baby from the US. After 10 wonderful days of feeding, nurturing and loving her, the birth mother came and took her back. They were devastated. I get emails from my clients all the time and I have to say that this particular one affected me the most. My heart sunk and I began to cry. This particular situation was one of my most challenging things I have had to face so far in supporting my clients through fertility. I suddenly had some fear around adoption. It took me months to really let go and make peace. It was like it happened to me, although I know they were more deeply affected, on some level it felt like my reality too. Thankfully, they were chosen by another birth mom and recently brought home their new baby boy. It was great to hold him and see how happy they were to have their son. More healing occurred for me as well that day.

Many people think that adoption is an easy alternative. People often respond to news about a miscarriage and fertility issues with "Don't worry you can always adopt". It is not as easy as one might think. There are adoption fees, lengthy waits, time, home study, travel to the country (for international) and in some cases workshops you must attend. The costs for international adoption can vary but some can be as high $25,000-30,000 by the time you complete the process. I hear of many couples who wait years to be chosen by a birth mother especially if they are wanting a new born. Of course then there is the comment "well there are many young children waiting to be adopted" but for a mother who's deep desire is to raise a new born sometimes that is not an option for them.

The point to this blog is not to instill worry and fear of adoption but instead to help me clear my own fear and sadness that are present in my mind and body. I use my dreams as opportunities to explore any subconscious beliefs that may be negatively impacting my decisions in life. When I woke from my dream I could feel a heaviness in my heart. I asked for healing. As I go into my yoga practice this morning I will allow the fear to leave my body so I can be free of the worries about what may happen and stay present to what is happening right now! Fear and worry are emotions that stem from past or future events. I choose to be here and now! As I become present I can observe where I am holding negative energy and ask for healing. What it comes down to is that I have 2 choices - I either choose fear or love. I choose LOVE! My ego mind would like me to stay worried and fearful as I explore the adoption process. I am not my ego mind. I am not my fear unless I choose to let it overcome me. I have found a new way of living my life and it is without the ego and fear being my ruler. I know that my heart is guiding me toward adoption and I trust the voice of my heart. I feel better writing about. My writing is part of my healing process. I feel at peace.
Thank you for listening!