Rebirth

I participate on Team Northrup calls each week and have the pleasure of learning directly from Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of Women's Bodies Women's Wisdom and The Wisdom of Menopause and one of the country's most respected authorities on women’s health.

After one of the calls with Dr. Northrup I felt a real sense of uneasiness. I was irritated and found myself keeping busy to avoid it. As I went to bed I checked in to see what I was holding in my body and discovered another layer of limiting beliefs. I asked for healing around my unworthiness to have happiness in my life. I was willing and ready to give up all the stories that go along with why I don’t deserve to be joyful and happy. I have so much to be grateful for in my life and gratitude is something I can feel deeply. Happiness on the other hand is something I generally have been faking, and that saddens me.

When I heard Dr Northrup talk about our internal thermostat preconditioned early in life and often in the womb, that resonated deep within me. I have memories of my parents fighting while I was in my mother’s womb. I felt trapped and helpless because there was nothing I could do to help her. I remember making a conscious decision that I needed to take care of my mother. From the day I was born I made choices in my life that would be best for my mother and I continued to live that way up until recently.

On some level I still blame my mother for most of my pain growing up. In the last few years, I find myself frustrated with her because I have a judgment that she is not living to her full potential. I realize it is not really about her, it is about me not living to my full potential. There is a place deep down inside me that is so unhappy and feels like I deserve to be punished for all the wrong that I have done in my life, including the incidence of sexual abuse that occurred when I was 6 years old. Most of my healing has been about that little 6 year old girl who decided she was “bad” and deserved to be punished. At age 6 I decided that I was not entitled to a happy and joyful life. Throughout all my personal growth and healing it seems that I have avoided the time of my life from birth to the age of 5 years. I realized last night in my dream that there was so much that occurred for me in my mother’s womb and in order to heal this piece I need to start there.

I generally ask for healing while I sleep. I will also ask that the healing occur on the deepest level possible and I will often have dreams that reflect my healing process. Last night I had a dream that Dr Northrup was holding me in the fetal position in a body of water encouraging me to put my face in. I felt a deep panic and fear of drowning. This is a common occurrence for me and it shows up in my life when I feel “I am in too deep” or “feel overwhelmed and over committed”. I have a belief that continues to show up that “I can’t possibly do this all and be a good mother”. Some days I honestly feel like I could drown in my life.

In my dream Dr Northrup kept repeating “Trust me, you will be ok. Just let go and breath.” Finally I let my face go under the water and took a deep breath. I was suddenly in my mother’s uterus allowing the amniotic fluid fill my lungs. It felt warm and soothing. Suddenly I could breath under water. I felt free and light. Almost like I could swim anywhere and never worry about losing my breath. It was calming and peaceful. I felt nourished and comforted.

I woke up the next morning to do my yoga and meditation practice but still felt the need to process my dream more so I finished with a Miracle Thought for the day by Marianne Williamson. The one I listened to was: Forgiveness is the key to Happiness. So that day was about forgiving my mother, myself and any negative thoughts or upsets that arise. I hand it over to the universe and ask for healing, then I ask to see it differently.

I clearly see my fertility journey as a wake up call to heal my SELF. I encourage you to use this time as an opportunity to heal deeper parts of your SELF that need healing. I have asked many of my fertility clients about what kind of Mother they would have been had they become pregnant right away. Most of them can look back and realize that they will be a better Mom by having gone through this powerful life experience. Many are grateful to have had the time to get to know themselves better and to make peace with their past before they move into motherhood. As we learn to love and nurture ourselves we then teach our children to do the same. After all, actions are more powerful than words. Your children will learn from your example of how you live your life.