Yesterday I learned that my entire website and online course database was lost. Although there is talk about a back up from last December, at this time I am not clear what I still have and what I have lost. When I first learned the news I was in shock. Part of me couldn't understand how this could have happened. The odds of all 4 servers including the back up server failing all at once is the same chance of winning the lottery. I was initially devastated. All the work I have put into my new website for the last 4 years was gone and I felt a tremendous loss. When I got off the phone from my web guy I felt sick to my stomach.
My website, my life's work, my passion is so much a part of my life I almost rely on it to keep me grounded and centered. Family Passages is like a child to me and losing a big part of my business felt like a true and deep loss. I went into meditation to find clarity and peace again because at that point my EGO mind was wreaking havoc and I could feel myself going deeper and deeper into darkness.
In my mediation I surrendered to everything. I told the universe "I don't understand but I know and trust there is something I need to learn from this. Please show me another way to look at it so I can continue to stay in a place of peace."
Throughout the day I would get pieces of the puzzle. A friend and marketing coach said to me "if you were considering simplifying your website, this would be the time to do it". The word simplify felt like heaven. It has been a word that has resonated with me for the last few years. I realize there is a tendency for me to jump in and "try" and do it all. Yesterday helped me understand that sending my creative energy into the universe doesn't mean I need to do it all. I have a vision of women and couples all over the world experiencing loving support on their fertility journey and as I see my work spreading I know in my heart I don't need to do it all. I can be the catalyst to ignite my desires and the universe will help manifest everything and more. There are others in the world that can contribute their work and together as one we will make a change in the world of fertility. It is already occurring.
When I first started teaching Yoga for Fertility I was first one in Canada. I also created the first Yoga for Fertility Instructor Training course. Now there is another in the US and I just found out there is now one in Toronto. Now my EGO (fear) would tell me "all these others are starting to do what you are doing" but my guidance (love) says "share your work with the world without attachment. Watch it expand and grow". It is listening to the voice of love that I return to peace and gratitude.
Last night before bed I was looking at myself in the mirror reflecting on my life. I noticed a yellowing in my eyes. I have struggled most of my life with an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Although I don't drink much these days any amount seems to really affect my poor liver. Some wine and a few beers over the weekend is all it took. As I looked deep into my eyes I saw a light and I heard these words. "You cannot kill yourself. It is not your path. You have so much more to do in this world." I knew at that moment I needed to eliminate alcohol for good. The same year of my miscarriage my father died from cirosis of the liver. It was an eventful year.
Throughout my life I could see myself choosing pain because it was familiar. It was almost like sitting back and watching a movie. Sometimes even asking myself "what are you thinking?" then watching myself do it anyway. The last 9 years of my fertility journey have really been about letting go of the need to "learn the hard way".
After years of suffering through anorexia, bulimia and substance abuse I look back and see myself testing my limits - mind and body. I was so attached to pain and suffering it was like I was committing slow suicide. My miscarriage and my fertility journey saved my life. I honestly don't believe I would have made it this far without this incredible life experience to "wake me up" to my full potential. I can only be grateful for this gift. In spite of all that occurred yesterday I went to bed with gratitude in my heart.
This morning I picked up Wayne Dyer's book Inspiration. It is one that I keep beside my bed for times where I need guidance and a reminder to live an inspired life. I hold it in my palms at my heart in a gesture of namaste and ask for guidance. Whatever page I open to are the words I am meant to read at the time. This morning the message I took from the pages was about staying inspired not matter what and to trust that when I do, anything is possible. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
My affirmation for today is to "Stay Inspired. Expect Miracles".
Namaste, Sue
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